I started an initiative long back to start a critique group of writers, who help each other but the response wasn’t too great.
So I am taking it upon myself to critique work here. Anyone who needs an honest opinion about writing to editors, pitching to agents, story pace, language, etc, please write to me on my email: firstname.lastname@example.org with Critique as the subject. The post will be published with critique. Initially, it will be just me critiquing all posts, and we will take it forward from there. As a start, here is a piece of work by “Neelabh Pratap Singh”
He was standing on the railing of the elevated metro track;(–can be replaced with a simple comma) gazing at the
the city of Gurgaon. The high rise buildings of Gurgaon were about a dozen kilometre(s) away. Behind the night vision glasses he wore, his eyes stared at the city which was engulfed in the fire. The flames were equaling the tall structures. The black Balaclava made up of a fire resistant fabric concealed the rage on his face. He clenched his fist. Beneath the cuff of his fireproof jacket, blood streamed down, suggesting he had a fresh wound on his arm. (I like the start. The voice is very fresh, pure and the words are clear, writing is crisp and precise. Good.)
‘I did it in Mumbai, I did it in Bangalore and Jaipur. And today, I have to do it here in Gurgaon’, he thought. ‘I have to save my own city’.
(This is an old way of writing. blending thoughts in POV is fresh and adds another dimension to your writing. Consider this,
‘She is a con woman, one who I know for sure, goes on raiding people,” she thought to herself and shrugged.
She was a gold digger, one that went from pocket to pocket, raiding men of their money, power and dignity, leaving them high and dry. She shrugged and decided to expose the woman.)
He crouched and concentrated his power on his toes. With all his might, he thrust himself upwards with a sharply (sounds incomplete). Within moments,
the saviour (Here, we are in the man’s POV. Others can see him as the saviour, he himself calling that is odd. You need to understand POV and write. Otherwise your writing is pretty strong) was rocketing in the sky towards the city.
Overall, a very good effort. Good choice of words. I get the feel, get to see things from his perspective. You need to work a little bit on your style of POV and with that, your writing will shine through.
Have comments or feedback about this piece? Drop in the comments.